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Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Starbomb Boom: Rise of Lyrics, Nintendo Online’s Greatest Announcement (Instrumental), Pokémon Smash or Pass (Instrumental), Starbomb Instrumentals: The First Three Albums, The Tryforce, Player Select, and Starbomb.
1. |
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Arin: Aw damn, it’s a new Starbomb
Brian: Aw damn, it’s a new Starbomb
Dan: Aw damn, it’s a new Starbomb
All: AW DAMN, IT’S A NEW STARBOMB
Arin: Aw damn, it’s a new Starbomb
They said it couldn’t be done
We’d be out of ideas before we’d begun
And by “them” we mean “us on the last album”
Brian: Brian said we’d waste our talent
But he don’t know shit, ‘cause we don’t have any
Arin: Arin said it’s a cash grab, dog
But the joke’s on him it don’t make any money
Dan: Everyone said we’re a stupid band
The one who said that happened to be Dan
But Album 4’s out as you can see
So who’s laughing now?
Fuck you, me!
Arin: We said we couldn’t
All: But we did it anyway!
Dan: We said we shouldn’t
All: But we did it anyway!
Brian: We said we wouldn’t
All: But we did it anyway!
C’mon everybody one time
Now say our fuckin’ name
…Starbomb
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2. |
Pokémon Smash Or Pass
02:26
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Dan: Hey there Arin, how you doing?
There’s a hot new thing that’s brewin’
All the people wanna know how far would you go
With a Pokémon smash or pass, my bro
There’s over a thousand for you to choose from
I’m sure if you tried you could maybe find one
That would catch your eye, if the vibe was right
Keep an open mind let’s give it a try
Dan: Pikachu
Arin: SMASH
Dan: Charizard
Arin: SMASH
Dan: Squirtle
Arin: SMASH
Dan: Spoink?
Arin: OH MY GOD SMASH!
Dan: Ok hold up, do you know what “smash” means
It means you want to cream all in that Pokémon’s jeans
So mix in a “pass” and then you won’t seem
So desperate to sleep with anything that breathes
Arin: Oh, ok I get it
Dan: My man, here we go
Dan: Tyranitar
Arin: Smash
Dan: Blastoise
Arin: Smash
Dan: Politoed
Arin: Smash
Dan: Cradily
Arin: Smash
Dan: Ok it really wasn’t your level of excitement that was the problem, Arin.
It’s that you were saying “smash” to everything
Arin: Oh ok sorry, I’ll think harder about it next time
Dan: No problem, here we go.
Diglett
Arin: …. Smash
Dan: Arin...you know what? That’s all right
I don’t want to come off like I’m being uptight
I was just unaware of your ravenous appetite
To have sex with little creatures with names like Magnemite
Arin: Smash
Dan: OK, lets approach this again
Just pass on everything that’s not an absolute ten
Can you do that for me?
Like if I said Klefki
Arin: Smash
Dan: Really the fuckin keys?
Arin: Yeah
Dan: They’re just a bunch of keys!
Arin: Smash
Dan: Gloom
Arin: Smash
Dan: Seel
Arin: Smash
Dan: Muk
Arin: Smash
Dan: Spheal
Arin: Smash
Dan: Arin what’s the deal?
Arin: Smash
Dan: You can’t smash deals
Arin: Smash
Come on, Dan. Who doesn’t like deals?
As far as I’m concerned, I’m just keeping it real
Dan: OK, let’s go for one last round
Your shocking need to plow never ceases to astound
So let’s widen out the circle and see if we have found
The one thing you won’t allow to knock your junk around
Dan: A chessboard
Arin: Smash
Dan: A small gourd
Arin: Smash
Dan: A 2014 Honda Accord
Arin: Smash
Dan: A green lime
Arin: Smash
Dan: A large mime
Arin: Smash
Dan: Half a bowling ball and the concept of time
Arin: Smash/Smash
Dan: An inflatable raft
Arin: Smash
Dan: A Boeing aircraft
Arin: Smash
Dan: The frozen mustache of former president Taft
Arin: Smash
Dan: A potato fully loaded that was left and eroded
On a road in South Dakota with a smell that exploded
Like a commode in which a constipated Yoda overflowed it
With his swampy-ass chode so your nose became corroded
Arin: Smash
Dan: Wow…what about me?
Arin: Pass
Dan: Awwww
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3. |
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Listen up girl, I know you a Nintendo fan
Got a Switch day one so you can hold it in your hand
Sync that wifi, know you got that speedy broadband
So you can download retro games from US and Japan
But don’t tell no one I got the secrets straight from my dad
And they’ll get mad at my dad if they know he’s been bad
So listen close and remember all the news that I got
For the retro game drop
That's right for for Nintendo Online’s drop
We got the Game Squimble 2 it's the sequel to Squimble
Classic Mario and Zelda would just be too simple
Ronnie’s Barnyard Tussle was an all time fave
And also Shave the Cat and Adventures of Dave
Pillow Fight Simulator really raised the bar
So far you haven’t experienced Banana Bazaar
Egg Maze, Gromplins, and Pachinko de Mayo
Mattel’s Barbie’s Adventures in Toledo, Ohio
And maybe you were thinkin’ that these weren’t the best
But just wait ‘til you see the rest
I said wait ‘til you see the rest
Of these games, go (chiptune sounds)
Grab your SD card
Got Diarrhea Warrior, and also more of your
Favorite games like Cuck Hunt, and Mecha Lawyer
Regular Sword, and Basketbunt ‘89
The video game version of I Saw The Sign
We’re the luckiest gamers you’ll be happy to learn
That instead of Kirby’s Adventures we got Super Plerm
That's the Super Nintendo remake of a game called Plerm
It was a game for the classic NES called Plerm.
If you’re expecting greatness you’ve come to the right place
Cause instead of Galaga you’ve got Shooty Gun Space
Also Asteroid, no relation of course
Also Toad’s Alimony which I’ll gladly endorse
Okay, to be honest there’s a game I’ve been hypin’
It’s a Mario game, yeah, it’s Mario Teaches Wipin’
That’s not all, bitch I haven’t even gotten even started
‘Cause tomorrow they’re releasing Smart Fella: He Felt Smarted
And if you think that ain’t enough to put your skills to the test
Wait ‘til you see the rest
I said wait ‘til you see the rest
Of these games go (more chiptune sounds)
If I wasn’t clear before Super Plerm’s all we got
If classic Plerm was what you were hoping to play you sadly cannot
If you bought Nintendo Classic though you can try Plerm
But that is only a demo for a limited term
Yoshi’s Tax Shelter is a game for the ages
The pages and pages of ‘torial that’re needed to play this
Are made of a shade of a gray that you can’t even read though
And so then Yoshi goes to prison and dies
Russian Surrender, Super Financial Lender
Dinosaurs vs. Ducks, Postal Service Defender
Also Squark, and the remake of Squark
I recommend playing Squark right before you play Squark
There’s a lot of the plot that Squark just left out
So in order to understand just what Squark’s all about
I also recommend logging on to the wiki for Squark
So you can get a real deep dive on Squark
If after all these games then you just aren’t impressed
Sorry there’s no more left
I said sorry there’s no more left
(even more chiptune sounds)
Games go
(still even more chiptune sounds)
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4. |
Brian Pitches Ideas
01:41
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5. |
Kiss The Elden Ring
04:15
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(You got me like ooh)
(Got me like ooh)
(Got me like ooh)
(Got me like ooh)
Arin: There’s a little game and it’s called Elden Ring
It’s got a world and a story that is makin’ me sing
They got the author of Game of Thrones writing the thing
So you know that shit is good as fuck, praise the king
I’m running around checkin’ the town
Cleanin’ up dragons and giants and knights with all kinds of blights
And I hear a little voice in the distance
Dan: Hello? Can you hear me?
Arin: Oh I cannot miss this
Dan: Oh My Stars!
Arin: Bitch, are you a jar?
Dan: I’m so happy to see you!
Arin: Fuck that! I wanna be you
Dan: I am Alexander and I’m stuck in this hole, I’m also called the Iron Fist
Arin: Listen bitch, you got me like ooh
And I don’t know why, I am horny for this bucket, gettin’ mystified
(Got me like ooh)
I’ve got attention divide, I should probably find the Elden Ring but this jar’s
(Got me like ooh)
Wonder what’s inside, I’d like to bathe in the innards of this fuckin’ guy
(Got me like ooh)
I cannot stand by, when the least I could do is make this ceramic pot fly
Dan: Please sir, give me a good smack from the rear
With something nice and big
Arin: You just fuckin’ made my whole year
Dan: Ahh well played! The pleasure is mine.
Prithy take some rotted flesh as a thanks for your time!
Arin: Wait hold up, hold on, was that flesh up inside you?
Dan: Why yes, fallen enemies I put up inside me
Arin: Aw damn, now I’m jealous that I’m not up inside you
If I let you kick my ass, could I be all up inside you?
What am I thinkin’ man? This bowl’s got me fannin’ my face
The way this fucker talks putting me in my place
Disgrace to let my parents know that I’m simpin’ a vase
When he’s like
“Filling my heart with vigor”
That’s just making my penis bigger
(Ha ha ha, you and me)
(Little brown jug, don’t I love thee)
(Ha ha ha, you and me)
(Little brown jug, don’t I love thee)
(Got me like ooh)
Must’a left my heart ajar, cause I’m thinkin’ now I might be in love with a jar
(Got me like ooh)
Might think it’s quite bizarre but I’m lookin’ at other kitchen implements and they
(Got me like ooh)
Is there a warrior spoon? Oh fuck the thought of its curvy body’s makin me swoon
(Got me like ooh)
I guess I better admit that I am sexually attracted to things that I cook stuff with
Yo, the more I look I see
Ladies around starin’ at me
There’s a witch named Ranni
But it ain’t the right time, see
Her four arms are on me
But none of them cook banh mi
And Fia, I see ya
But I can’t guarantee ya
As I gaze into your eyes on this bed from Ikea
But that blessing when you’re pressing me into your chest isn’t
Impressing me more than a stainless steel zester
Out of a puff of vapor appears Melina
But you know that steamy babe isn’t a milk steamer
Got a peek-a Roderika who’s spirit tuning
But a spoon is the soonest thing you’ll find me spooning
(Got me like ooh)
I think I’m losin’ my mind, should I see a therapist or make a blender my bride
(Got me like ooh)
No matter what I do, the thought of fuckin that sexy piece of hunky porcelain
(Got me like ooh)
Maybe I should confront all my feelings, talk to Alexander and be blunt
(Got me like ooh)
I’m gonna give it all I got, I’m gonna stop repressing my depressing thoughts and try to fuck that pot
So, I just arrived in the Caelid Wilds
See my boy Alexander and I’m all smiles
Check my breath, comb my hair and I look over there
And guarding a castle door a dinosaur-sized motherfuckin’ giant pot
Oh god what do I do
Alexander’s wavin’ at me now, but now I got new feelings
For the massive pot
Maybe I should’ve tried to make it work with Milli and her scarlet rot
(Got me like ooh)
He’s lifting up his foot
How did he know that I’m into that kind of–
Dan: Oh my stars!
Well as long as no one’s using this meat
I guess I could just put this into my jar body.
Yes, mmm, ohh, yes.
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6. |
Mario à la Kart
02:52
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Arin: He’s been practicing racing, he drove for NASCAR
He’s a normal human being with a normal ass car
He tips his hat to Mario, they ring the mushroom cup bell
He steps on the gas…RED TURTLE SHELL
Ah no. (Racer: Oh My God!)
Arin: Ahhh no. (Racer: Oh God)
Arin: Yah! (Racer: Maybe this was some kind of accident or something?)
Arin: Yah! (Racer: I don’t know)
Arin: Boy that was violent (Racer: Uh huh)
Arin: His head is no bueno (Racer: I’m sure it’s fine)
Arin: He’s used to pavement, now he’s racing on a rainbow (Racer: What?)
Arin: He guesses he’ll adjust, through sheer force of will (Racer: I guess)
Arin: But suddenly there’s company (Racer: Oh, is it like another racer or something?)
BULLET BILL
(Racer: Was that a bullet?!)
Arin: Yah! (Racer: Like a giant bullet, are you for real?)
Arin: Yah! All right!
Arin: His upper lip is bleeding, he thought this was a race (Racer: Dude)
Arin: But then he was assaulted by a bullet with a face (Racer: This isn’t happening)
Arin: He’s sure there’s no brain damage (Racer: I’m not)
Arin: I don’t know how he’s sure (Racer: I’m not!)
Arin: As long as he can keep the speed (Racer: Oh god what now?)
LIGHTNING BOLT
(Racer: Oh no, I gotta get out of here what the fuck is happening! Holy shit!)
Arin: He’s tiny! He’s tiny! And then he gets run over!
All his bones and blood and organs are mixed up with the motor (Racer: Help!)
Arin: He’s an abomination of God, but at least he has 10 coins (Racer: I don’t care!)
Arin: He’s going to die, oh god he’s going to die (Racer: Oh no!)
BOOMERANG TO THE GROIN
(Racer: Oh god… Somehow that was the worst one.)
Arin: Yup! (Racer: Ooooo)
Arin: It hurts! Aww! (Racer: You gotta get me out of here, man)
Arin: Nope! (Racer: This is crazy!)
Arin: I know! (Racer: I’m gonna die out here, man I’m gonna die!)
Arin: I know! (Racer: Why are you doing this?)
Arin: Yah! (Racer: But…)
Arin: Yah! (Racer: That’s not an answer man!)
THREE RED SHELLS
(Racer: Ugh! Oh god why are you doing this? Ahhhh!)
THREE MORE RED SHELLS
You like that, bitch?
He’s in 8th place now (Racer: We’re still doin’ this?)
Arin: Oh, yes we are (Racer: Fuck!)
Arin: His skin is peeling off and he’s coughing up tar (Racer: I think I see a way out!)
Arin: His bones are baby food (Racer: Fuck you, I’m going off course! I’m outta here!)
Arin: He thinks he’s getting away! (Racer: YAH!)
LAKITU PICKS YOU UP
(Racer: Oh I’m here forever aren’t I?)
Arin: Yah! (Racer: Ahh)
Arin: Yah! (Racer: What’d I do to deserve this, man?)
Arin: Ah, you don’t remember?
YOU CALLED HIS DAD A CUCK
Arin: That’s right! (Racer: Steven?)
Arin: Yah! (Racer: Oh!)
Arin: Yah! (Racer: I’m sorry man, dude we were kids!)
Arin: That’s not enough! (Racer: What do you want, money? You want my car?)
Arin: Don’t want your stuff
But there’s something you can do to make this all better (Racer: Anything!)
Arin: Apologize to Candice (Racer: Who’s Candice?)
Arin: Candice dick fit in your mouth?
Gottee!
Arin: Yusss!
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7. |
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Arin: My name is Link and I just woke up
From a sleep that was apparently a hundred years plus
I’m all drenched in goo and partially nude
So I’mma try to see just what these twinky muscles do
First I’ll raise some towers so I can get a peek
At all the moblins, lizards and havoc to wreak
Eatin’ every single apple that I see
Takin’ newly woken giant robots down with glee
But I stop into town
And I take a look around
I realize I haven’t spoken to anyone
To brag about all the rad shit that I’ve done
Excuse me miss, I’d be remiss
If I didn’t introduce myself
Lady: Oh, I’m pissed
Arin: What?
Lady: I know who you are, you fuckin’ guy
Arin: Uh…
Lady: I never thought I’d get the chance to look you in the eye
Arin: I’m sorry I’m lost, do you know who I am?
Lady: Uh yeah you cuck, you killed my whole fam
Arin: I did?
Lady: Yes. Remember those towers you raised? My house was there.
Arin: Wow
Lady: I’m glad you’re amazed
Arin: Well look, I didn’t know that an ancient device
Would be right under your home
Lady: Um, a “sorry” would be nice
Arin: Okay it’s just I’ve been busting my ass
Doing all kinds of heroic things
Lady: I really didn’t ask
Arin: For example I’ve been deflecting lasers at these robots
Lady: Oh that’s cool, I just dug my son’s grave plot
Arin: The amount of recipes I’ve learned? So much
Lady: Nice, I’ll never feel my husband’s touch
Arin: I feel really bad
But I’m also a little mad
That my hard work is being undermined
It’s like, it’s not my fault your stupid family died
I figured I’d try to talk to someone nicer
So I approached this guy he was a master dicer
Hey man you’re good at slicin’ apples
That’s my main source of sustenance along my travels
Brian: I’d love to chat but I’m in a bind
I have to make do with the apples I could find
There’s like, none, they’re all fuckin’ gone
Like someone ate the entire orchard for fun
Arin: The orchard with the sign behind the town’s where you grow it?
Brian: Yeah, that’s the one
Arin: (burp) Cool, I don’t know it
Brian: Whoever is responsible, whoever the traitor
I’m gonna slice off their dick
Arin: Okay, see you later!
Arin: Phew glad I’m outta there, hey maybe I’ll try
Another town of people, oh that’s cool they fly
Dan: We are the Rito, bird people of the skies
We also hate Hylians
Arin: Alright see ya, guys!
Maybe Hateno village will be into my boastin’
Hi! I lit the blue torches!
Villager: What?! You let the ghosts in!
Arin: Moving along, I’m sure there’s a place
Where the people aren’t way into eating my face
Arin: Oh look it’s the Gorons
Gorons: Oh a face we can eat!
Arin: Well I think i'm gonna start beatin’ my feet
I don’t even know where the heck I could go
Oh sorry little Korok
Korok: Uh, you killed me bro
Arin: Damn, Mr. Horse Guy workin’ at the farm
Seems like everything I do just causes some harm
I hope my trusty horse didn’t pain or bother ya
Horse Guy: Oh no not at all, just gave us all cholera.
Arin: How is that even…ugh..just whatever
I guess I’ll just think about it and do better
I’m gonna head to the great fairy to upgrade my sweater
Horse Guy: You awoke The Great Fairy?
Arin: Yeah
Guys: Daaamn
Awww, no cap?
Damn, she fine
Aw, let’s go!
Yeah she fine though man
Like mad fine
Sooo fine
Arin: Oh, so I didn’t mess up?
Guys: Hell no!
Whaaat?
Yeah, Don’t worry about it
Yeah man, it’s cool
Cool man
Horse Guy: However on account of the cholera we all have to shit all the time.
Guys: Yeah! Yeah!
Soooo much
It’s like whooooa
It’s like mad gross
Horse Guy: It’s like “brrrr”
Guys: HA HA YEAH!
Yeah! Wooo! He knows, he knows
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8. |
Krobus Is Hot
04:30
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9. |
Joy-Con Drift
03:04
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Arin: I got that Joy-Con drift
What did I do to be bestowed this gift
All my controllers are like “Damn I wish
That I could also function like hot shit”
None of my friends understand
They’re all like “What the fuck, man!?
This shit is clearly broken, get it repaired”
But they just don’t respect
Dan: A joystick quirk
Where it doesn’t quite work
No, he’s not refusing to face it
That he can’t afford to replace it
Arin: I got that Joy-Con drift it doesn’t care if you’re goin’ straight
My left hand isn’t needed to move, so I can masturbate
The camera keeps going crazy but that’s okay
I wanted to look up at the sky and slightly left anyway
Dan: He doesn’t really want that
He just heard if you send your Joy-Cons in to get fixed
You might not get them back
And he can’t risk his cute little mint color Animal Crossing sticks
Arin: I’m gonna get– woah, woah wait hold on
Hold on, woah
I don’t have Animal Crossing sticks
What are you talk– where’d you hear that from?
Dan: I heard it from your mother
Arin: You know she drinks, right?
Dan: Yeah, she told me when we were drunk
Hanging out together
Arin: Uh, what?
Dan: I think I’m gonna be your new dad
Arin: Trevor, what the fuck
I invited you over to help me write this rap and this is how you tell me?
Dan: There was no good time
To tell you that I’ve been dating your mom
I’m sorry, good buddy
I thought that it best that you heard it from me
Arin: Um what the fuck! I’m confused more than I have ever been
I kinda forgot about that whole Joy-Con drift thing
It’s too much that my best friend is now my patriarch
I wish my dad never died from being ate by a whale shark
Dan: I know it’s hard to take in
That your mom and I are banging twice a day, sometimes three times a day
I hope you’re not mistaking
That my attempts to bond with you are in a genuine fatherly way
Arin: I can’t believe this
First my Joy-Cons drift
And now my family
Yahhhh!
I can’t re-calibrate my dad to be alive
I can’t just remove four tri tips to fix insides
The graphite powder in my heart is wearing down
No hall sensing technology will stabilize this meltdown
Dan: Listen buddy, I know you’re going through a hard time so I got you these replacement
Joy-Con sticks. I know they’re not the original, but if we open up the controller and make sure
we’re really respecting the craftsmanship, I’m sure these new ones, though not perfect,
will give you what you need
Arin: Don’t got that Joy-Con drift anymore
Because of my stepdad’s gift and he swore
That if these Joy-Cons drift once again
That he would fix that shit right then
Dan: You know I got you buddy
Just like I got your mom when she said she wants to get reamed
And when you’re feeling cruddy
I’ll comfort you but not the way I comfort your mom when she’s beggin’ for cream
Arin: Uh huh. Yep. Thank you for that information. Awesome.
Dan: What if I was your Dad, though?
Arin: You’re not, you’re not my dad.
Dan: OK
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10. |
Sonic’s Last Ring
02:56
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Dan: Sonic the Hedgehog’s been our friend for years
Been through good times, bad times, laughter and tears
So when he told us that he and Amy falled in love
We were like
Arin: Oh damn
Dan: Oh fuck
Arin: Oh shit
Dan and Arin: Mazel tov!
Dan: He asked “would you guys help me plan the wedding?”
I was so excited that my pants started spreading
We sat down to write out the list of names
Of all the friends who were invited that he’d met in his games
Arin: It was quite a long list, longer than we’d expected
Dan: Yup!
Arin: But we had to get ‘em all, so nobody was disrespected
Dan: Like Knuckles, and Tails, and Blaze the Cat
And Rouge, a pair of boobies that’s attached to a bat
Arin: But there were lots of others that we hadn’t prepared for
Dan: Like Honey
Arin: Sticks
Dan: Whisper
Arin: Tangle
Dan: Bark the Polar Bear
Arin: Or a swallow named Wave or a hawk named Jet
Dan: Ugh, god are we done?
Arin: No not remotely yet, bitch!
Dan: You cannot be serious
Where did all these characters come from?
I must be delirious
But the list of names has just begun
It’s so mysterious
This seems like a bit of an excess
But they’ll all be cheering us
When this rodent wedding is a huge success
The big day came and the guests arrived
There were four thousand eight hundred seventy five
Arin: There was Mighty the Armadillo
Dan: And Charmy Bee
Arin: And Storm the Albatross
Dan: And Ronald the Tree
Arin: There was Cream the Rabbit
Dan: And Ricardo the Train
Arin: Steve the Television
Dan: And David the Cumstain
Kathy the Hippo showed up with Randall the Llama
Arin: And also Michael the Toilet
Dan: And Barack the Obama
Arin: “All right everyone”
Dan: Eggman suddenly cried
Arin: “That damn hedgehog’s knot is gonna get tied”
Dan: Everybody looked around, found their seats
As Shadow the Rabbi started to speak
Arin: Dearly beloved, we come from near and far
I don’t know or even fuckin’ care who half of you are
Dan: But before Sonic could give Amy the ring
Robotnik shot him with a laser
Arin: “Let’s do this thing!”
Dan: You cannot be serious
Forty-five rings flew in every direction
I must be delirious
The wedding ring mixed in with the collection
Amy looks furious
Things aren’t ever as bad as they seem
Soon she’ll be cheering us
If all Sonic’s friends work as a team
Dan: FIND THE RING!!
(chaos ensues)
Arin: I DO. Ha, alright!
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11. |
That Feels Incredible
01:08
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That Feels Incredible
(Yeah, it’s just this.)
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12. |
Wheel Of Misfortune
03:04
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Dan: Yo, here we go
I may sound chill but I’ve never been so excited
Because Arin and I just officially got invited
To the dopest game show ever to grace your TV
We’re gonna be chillin’ with Vanna, it’s Wheel of Fortune baby
The lights go down and the crowd fills the area
My consonant game will blow apart their genitalia
The puzzle is “Titles”, no cause for concern
Here I go, spin the wheel
Aw man
Matt: Lose a turn
Dan: OK, no biggie now it’s Arin’s time to spin
Wow he got $5,000 that’s pretty good for him
Arin: Let me see here, is there an N?
Matt: Why, yes indeed Arin. There are seventeen Ns
Dan: All right keep it cool don’t get hot under the collar
Arin’s only ahead by $85,000
Here’s his second spin, $5,000 again
Arin: Is there an N?
Matt: Yes, there are six more Ns
Arin: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Matt: OK, let’s check
Arin: Is it “NnNnnnNNnnnNNnnN?”
Matt: That is correct!
Dan: All right, Round 2 here we go, clean slate
Take a breath, spin the wheel
Matt: Lose a turn
Dan: That’s great
Tell you what
My hand slipped I’m gonna give it another try
Here we go
Matt: Lose a turn
Dan: What the fuck, my guy?
I’m going again, here’s the spin
Matt: Lose a turn
Dan: I’m jealous of everybody who is currently in an urn
Just four more spins, this court is not adjourned
Matt: Lose a turn, lose a turn
Lose a turn, lose a turn
Dan: Oh my fucking god, I need an adult
I’ll do anything to end up with a different result
I’m spinning one last time before I tear off my face
Wait, my spin is going way past the “Lose a Turn” space
It’s headed for money, oh man this is sick
Matt: You’ve landed on “Get Punched In The Dick”
Oh gosh that’s gonna take a while to heal
Dan: I’m sorry, let me ask, was that always on the wheel?
Matt: Two panels were added when Round 2 began
“Get Punched In The Dick” and “A Trip To Japan”
But you still have to guess, you don’t just get the reward
You only get the punches if your letter’s on the board
Dan: Uh...Q?
Matt: There are twenty-three Qs
Dan: Oh…
(brutal punching sounds)
Matt: The board is yours Dan, would you like to buy a vowel?
Dan: My testicles are absolutely devastated
Matt: The board is yours Arin, would you like to buy a vowel?
Arin: Actually I’m gonna spin for one more round
Matt: Oh it looks like you landed on the “Mystery Spot”
Go and pick up the panel, let’s see what you got
It’s a million dollars and a car to spare
But wait, it looks like there’s another panel under there
Dan: Gah!
Matt: It’s a boat and jet, I’m in disbelief
I can’t believe my eyes, another panel’s underneath
It’s a treasure chest exploding with gold doubloons
And a document from NASA giving you ownership of the moon
Dan: Come on!
Matt: And there’s one last panel pick it up real quick
It says “If you get this letter you can punch Dan’s dick”
Arin: Is there a W?
Matt: There’s 78 Ws!
Arin: I’d like solve the puzzle
Is it “QQQQQQQWWWWWWWWWWAAAAQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAHWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOHWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAHHHWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWAAAHHHOOOOOOO?!”
Matt: That’s it! You’re our biggest winner of all time!
Dan: Congratulations, Arin. I wish I’d done better in the game but at least I know my best friend wouldn’t ever punch me in the–
Arin: I WON!
|
||||
13. |
Falling Diagonally
02:58
|
|||
|
Brian: I move diagonally across the screen
I avoid all objects which are not green
I jump on the squares to change their color
I’m rich as hell but I live in squalor
I’m Q*bert
I’m Q*bert motherf*@!?
I’m Q*bert
I’m Q*bert you piece of sh*@!?
There’s a purple snake that tries to test me
I got home last night and my wife had left me
Two bottles of whiskey and twelve bong rips later
I’m ready to explode like a f*@!? detonator
I’m Q*bert
I’m Q*bert you f*@!? piece of sh*@!?
I’m Q*bert *@!?er
I might be orange but I feel scarlet with rage
I’m a wild f*@!?ng animal and I’m trapped in a cage
I can’t move just left right up or down
You better f*@!?ng pray I never come to your sh*@!?thole town
Cause when I get drunk I’m nearly unstoppable
I’ll make you feel pain deeper than you ever thought possible
I’m fueled by self-loathing, disappointment, and trauma
Break into your stepfather’s house and *@!?*@!?*@!?*@!?
I’m Q*bert
I’m Q*bert motherf*@!?
I’m Q*bert
I’m Q*bert motherf*@!?
If we shadows have offended
Think but this, and all is mended
That you have but slumbered here
And I’m gonna f*@!?*@!?*@!?*@!?
FUCK
|
||||
14. |
||||
|
Dan: Hello?
Arin: Hey, Dan. We just got word from the network. “Talking Video Games” has been renewed for a new season, and they want you to come back to host it!
Dan: Absolutely not! It’s taken me years to emotionally recover from the trauma that stupid show put me through.
Arin: They’ll pay you 5 million dollars.
Dan: HELLO! And welcome to “Talking Video Games”.
Today’s topic, as always, is games with simple plots. Please welcome our guest, James!
Arin: Hi, I’m James from Silent Hill 2. I can tell you the plot of my games, but it’s not very simple, is that okay?
Dan: Oh god yeah…I’m so rich now. Brian, give James a beat!
Arin: Well OK, I’m James Sunderland
Let me tell you ‘bout a little foggy wonderland
Called Silent Hill, good times and thrills
A nice place to chill if you don’t mind getting killed
I was hanging at the crib just livin’ my life
When I got a lovely letter from my long-deceased wife
She died years ago from a happy fun illness
It was a good time filled with joy and chillness
I walked 30 miles to a welcoming cemetery
Met Angela who was there on the temporary
She had some nice thoughts going on in her head
Based on her father and her brother and her mom who were dead
Dan: Normally I’d be really freaked out by your weird positivity
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
But mentally I’m totally checked out
Can’t hear you through all this money
…So much cash
Arin: I made more great friends in good mental shape
Like the Wizard of Oz, but in the middle of a hellscape
Like Nice Guy Eddie, a man of good sense
Dan: What happened to him?
Arin: I had to kill him in self-defense
Dan: Oh…
Arin: I also met Maria who was like my wife Mary
She reminded me so much of my little huckleberry
‘Cept more sexually assertive and little bit spiky
Unless she was just a manifestation of my tortured psyche
‘Cause I might have killed my wife when she was weeping like a willow
Curled up like an armadillo when I smothered her with a pillow
But Maria didn’t mind, her night turned out fine
She was stabbed by Pyramid Head to death two separate times
Dan: Usually I would worry and suggest that you seek some therapy
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
But I’m busy cleaning the seats of my new yacht so just continue please
With your warm fuzzy cyclical hell story
Arin: Well I guess you wanna know how this groovy tale ends
It’s exactly how an old person smells...depends!
Sorry just a little joke because this story tends
To put me in a good mood, but seriously there are six fucking endings
Maybe I left town with a new adopted daughter
Or I drowned going down with my car in the water
Or I went with Maria where things could get sexual
Or I was actually abducted by some extraterrestrials
All I know is that the ending was extremely positive
And not just a coping psychological composite of
My mental collapse and crippling anxieties
Dan: Hey man it’s all right, why don’t you let me buy you these
Piña Coladas, the bartender’s got us
Let’s go down to my private beach and get some tostadas
Heck yeah!
Silent Hill Woman: AHHHHH!
Dan: Here we go again!
|
||||
Starbomb Los Angeles, California
Starbomb = Egoraptor (Arin Hanson) + Ninja Sex Party (Dan Avidan and Brian Wecht)
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